The Significance of Eeyore

As I walked in the funeral home, I was greeted by a smell of flowers and stale air, slow and somber music, and an array of saddened faces looking everywhere but toward the coffin. I knew quite a few guests, but I didn’t approach anyone and no one approached me. I don’t know if they realized I had lost a sister and even if they did, they all knew she wasn’t my real sister.

I was moved toward her family by the crowd. They stood in line near the coffin, shaking hands, hugging, and crying with guests, always speaking in hushed voices. Her real sister was first in line. She was devastated after losing a close friend, one of the few people who really understood everything she was going through. We hugged and I apologized for her loss. Next were her half-brothers. They were my age and I knew them quite well, though they didn’t know her that well because I was the lucky one who got to grow up with her over the last four years. We shook hands. Then came her parents. Her father was stern faced, dry-eyed, and dead of emotion. Her step-mother was pleasantly somber for the occasion. I wondered if this was how they were when they had sent her away at fourteen-years-old with a newborn son to be filed into the foster system.

Finally, at the end of the greeting line, seemingly oblivious to what was going on, was her five-year-old son, Jason. As soon as he saw me and my family, he raced over to give us all a hug. He was clearly happier than everyone else here combined, but he was only a child. My mom stopped to talk to Jason’s grandmother, the step-mother with the somber face, and Jason took me to the picture boards and photo albums to show me his favorites. He showed me christmas photos, school photos, and Disney vacation photos and photos from the time she dyed his black hair blond. The he picked up a photo from a trip to Disney World.

“This is my favorite.” He said with a huge smile. It was a picture of Jason and his mom with her favorite character, Eeyore.

“Eeyore was her favorite.” I said sadly. I distinctively remember her moving into my bedroom when she was fourteen with a plethora of Eeyore related items. She also cherished a little stuffed Eeyore that she kept on her bed.

“Yeah, look!” Jason said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the casket. “See.”

Jason stood on the kneeling bench and reached into the casket, making sure not to disturb his mother. He pulled out the small stuffed Eeyore.

“We are putting him with her because he is her favorite.” Jason said handing me the animal.

“That is really nice Jay.” I smiled at him. “I know that was one of her favorite pictures too.”

At that he suddenly ran back to the pictures leaving me alone with my foster sister. She had come into my life so suddenly. I came home from school one day and there she was with all her things and this tiny baby boy. Then, three years later she graduated and moved on, but she always came back for a visit or when she needed a sitter. After she moved out, she was always on the move. She worked a bunch of different jobs while attending night school to be a nurse. She had always wanted what was best for Jason. Then the night came when we got a call from my cousin, a friend of hers. She told us that Jason was in the hospital because there was an accident. Julie hadn’t made it. She had made a u-turn, hit another car, ran off the road, and broke her neck, dying instantly. Jason had scratched his head. He sat in the car waiting for the ambulance crying for his mother wondering why she wouldn’t wake up.

As I stood there next to her casket. I thought about all the times I was a horrible sister to her, even as a foster sister. I used to mess up her make-up or burn all her candles. She used to stay up all night playing music, so I would complain, lying that I had a test, so she would have to turn it all off and go to bed. I am sure she hated me as much as I hated my little brother. It was a sibling thing. Had I known she was going to die, would I have changed the way I treated her? I don’t know.

“Here,” Jason said as he handed me a photo. “Put this with her.”

“Jay, are you sure?” I asked with the Eeyore, picture in my hand. “This is your favorite. You won’t ever get it back.”

“It is her favorite. She should have it.”
Five years later, Jason and I are sitting outside the Crystal Palace restaurant at the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. It was our last day on vacation and we hadn’t found Eeyore. This was our last chance. My mom had gone inside to see if they could help us. This restaurant was the only place to find Eeyore at the Magic Kingdom and you had to have a character dinning reservation. We didn’t have a reservation.

“Why can’t we go see if he is over by the Winnie the Pooh ride?” Jason asked. He was getting really bored. “The characters are always by the rides.”

“They said that this was the only place in the park to find Eeyore.” I was just as bored as he was. “So unless you want Tigger, I would stay here.”

Finally my mom emerged and called Jason inside. After a few minutes they returned. My mother seemed happy, but Jason was ecstatic. We headed toward Main Street USA with Jason in the lead.

“So, did you get it?” I asked. “How?”

“I went in there and told them that I had a little boy out there who had lost his mother and wanted to get a picture with Eeyore to match the one he had buried with his mom. Because Eeyore was her favorite.”

The Darkest Timeline

There have been signs everywhere for the last few years. The economy falling apart. People swimming in debt. People dying of various unnatural reasons. The multitude of natural disasters around the world. The rise in political turmoil. Glee.

It is apparent that we are living in the darkest timeline.

Little did we know that we should have been born with our felt beards a ready. Some of us might still not know the truth. Those who do understand had all their suspicions confirmed by one maddening and terrifying decision by NBC – the firing of Dan Harmon.

It was the phone call or text or email that wasn’t heard by anyone around the world- not even Dan Harmon. It is, however, a clear and concrete sign to those who believe in a darkest timeline. Well, we may not have been believers then, but we are now. A timeline without Harmon writing for Community has to be the darkest of all.

There are various reports as to why the dice was rolled in such a manner. Some say Harmon is an asshole, impossible to work with, and a very handsome fellow. These may not have been the same people, but these were apparently all factors in the decision to kick him off the show that wouldn’t exist without his crazy mind. Some say that Chevy Chase’s inability to work with Harmon made NBC choose between them [if this is true NBC should note that no one watches the show for Chevy or Pierce.] Some say that NBC wanted the show to change to attract a wider variety of viewers and more ratings. To this I say, “I, as an avid fan, want to know what is wrong with viewers like me? We watch good t.v. Maybe you should take that into consideration. Sorry, but the people who watch Community aren’t the same people who watch Jersey Show (because we like good television).

There is another possible reason as to why NBC did this…

So, as we now know, there have been signs that we are in the darkest timeline. We were all oblivious to this face- and to the fact that there are darker timelines – at least until Dan Harmon showed us in episode “Remedial Chaos Theory.” Since that episode we have all made jokes referring to the darker timelines, but what we didn’t realize was that slowly our brains were putting together all the clues.

This is something NBC wanted to avoid. If everyone sees that we are living in the darkest timeline, who will want to watch our fun-loving comedies like 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation. If we are in the darkest timeline who would want to watch the Olympics, the world’s largest broadcasted event circled around hope, success, and worldly sportsmanship. NBC risk losing such valuable viewership. Whether the state of society crossed their mind, I don’t know.

NBC reacted to this potential threat by taking Community off the air. Instead of putting this issue out of our minds, the hiatus of Community only enraged fans, bringing even more attention to the dark truth. So much attention that fans started to wear their felt beards in protest of NBC’s rash decision. Eventually NBC realized that they had made their situation even worse with the hiatus, so, in order to backtrack and attempt to clean up this mess, NBC cancelled the hiatus.

This, however, could not stop the knowledge of the darkest timeline. The mental state of Abed during the last half of the season probably made everything worse. At that point, NBC must have realized that there was nothing thy could do. The knowledge of darker timelines was out there and people were beginning to see that we were in the darkest of the all.

NBC, however, did realize one important fact., they couldn’t let any other ratings harming/ society destroying information out into the world via Community. So they murdered it. They killed Community. Well, it isn’t dead yet. NBC, being the sadistic selves they are, have mortally wounded Community and left it to die a slow an agonizing 13 episode, 4th season death. NBC fired Dan Harmon, an essential organ in the Community body.

Harmon is gone. The man who brought us “Troy and Abed in the Morning!” The mad who made us ask if we were “crumping.” The man who brought us Annie’s boobs and Allison Brie’s. The man who opened our eyes to dark timelines. The man who let Abed show us that the sparkly, humorous, wonderful world we live in is actually the darkest of timelines, and it is only getting darker. The man who let Jeff tell us how we can make it brighter.

Now I am not suggesting that Harmon is some sort of prophet or that he speaks nothing bu the truth. For all I know Harmon could have just stumbled upon this discovery and felt compelled to share it with the world. Either way NBC had ripped him away from Community as if he had joined the Air Conditioning School.

As fans, we must decide how to react. Do we watch on hopeful that Community will live as it did before? Or, do we accept this fate and mourn our beloved program? I am putting on my felt beard because we do truly live in the darkest timeline.

Always Shake Out Your Shoes!

A Story from Cowbird.com by Elle Kammerer

“I wanna sleep with my door shut tonight.” I yelled through the bathroom door as I changed into my pajamas. My mom was getting my brother ready for bed, so she wasn’t paying attention. “I am not scared!”

“Elle, get out of there. It is time for bed.” Mom said as she opened the door. “Max is already in your room.”

“I wanna sleep with my door shut tonight.” I repeated. “I don’t need max to sleep in there. I am not scared.”

“But Max always sleeps in your room with you.”

“He doesn’t need to tonight.” I said with confidence as I walked across the hall to my bedroom. Max, my golden retriever and best friend, was lying obediently in his spot next to my bed. He lifted his head as I entered. “Max, out.”

“What?” he would have said if dogs could talk. Instead, he just looked at me. I said it again, “Max, out!” This time he got up, but he didn’t walk to the door. “Max out!” I said sternly. He lowered his head, clearly confused as to why I didn’t want him around. “You break my heart,” he would have said as he reluctantly left the room.

“Good night mom!” I yelled down the short hallway to the living room and slammed my door shut. The setting Arizona sun streamed into my bedroom window at 7:30 at night, illuminating the casual childish drawings on my walls, the toys I would pretend to pick up next week when I had to clean my room, and the bed I was lying in trying to sleep. I drifted. My limbs became heavy. I fell asleep.

“Hey! Hey! Something is wrong! Let me in there!” Max would have been yelling if he knew words. He was barking and howling and scratching at the door. I awoke panicked and confused. I had only been asleep for a few minutes because the sunlight was still filling the room. Suddenly I was mad at the silly dog clearly angry because I kicked him out.

As I got out of bed and turned toward the door, I screamed. There was a horrible, evil, dangerous creature in my room. It wasn’t something from under the bed, or in the closet. It wasn’t something I could hide from under the blankets.

“What is going on in there?” I heard my mom yell from the hall.

“Help! Don’t open the door! It will move!” I commanded.

“What will?” she said concerned.

“Tarantula!” I hollered with the fear of women from old horror movies, with the fear of Tokyo when Godzilla shows his face, with the fear of a six-year-old meeting the boogeyman in spider form.

I jumped on my bed faster than a kangaroo in a hurry. My mom was saying something semi soothing, semi commanding through the door, but I didn’t register any of it. I was staring arachnid-evil in the face.

The next thing I knew, my mom came flying through the door, can of bug poison in hand. She found the monster on the wall next to the door where it had stood since the beginning of our standoff. Then, without any ceremony, it was dead, smashed beneath a can of poison.

* * *

“Hey!” My mom yelled at me when I picked up my tennis shoe. I was hurrying to watch Max chase lizards down their holes in the yard. “What did I tell you about putting on your shoes?”

I shrugged in response. She grabbed my shoe by the sole, turned it upside down, tapped the toe with her hand, and shook it up and down a little. When she seemed pleased with what she didn’t find, she handed it back to me and on it went.

“Remember the spider in your room?” I nodded eyes wide open with fear. “You don’t want to find one of those spiders, or worse ones in your shoes do you?”

I slowly nodded my head no imagining spiders crawling and biting at my feet.

“Always shake out your shoes before you put them on or the spiders will get ya!” She said before she walked outside. As soon as she was gone, I ripped both shoes off my feet and shook them till my arms hurt.

My Brother and the Steamroller

Image

A Story from Cowbird.com, by Elle Kammerer

“Mom, I think Aj is gonna die.”
“Why?”
“He just got stuck in that dust devil storm outside.”
“WHAT?!”

My mother ran outside our trailer to find my brother getting pushed back and forth in the middle of a small dust storm (that he probably created himself with his over-sized boots kicking up dust). It wasn’t a big storm, just a small tornado-like wind picking up the desert dirt, blowing it around, making it impossible to see where you are going. Normally you can see them coming in enough time to make it inside. Apparently Aj didn’t see it this time.

Aj made it out alive and perfectly safe. Well, except for the massive amount of dirt on his clothes and in his mouth and in his hair. Well, there was also this little fear of the wind he developed. Well, it wasn’t that little.

“Aj, come outside and play.”
“No. The wind is bad.”
“No, no. It is a good wind.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It is a good wind.”
“Ok.”

I approached the door first. As soon as I stepped outside, though there was no wind, I grabbed the screen door and swayed back and forth as if I was suddenly caught in a twister and hanging on for dear life. I yelled “No! Its a bad wind! Its a bad wind!” Aj ran from the door screaming.

We never got along. Even after he got over being afraid of the wind. Some say it is because we are too similar, but I can’t see how that it possible. He is an artist, I am a writer. He plays video games, I read books. He watches cartoons, I watch nerdy shows (and sometimes cartoons). He still lives in our small town, I live in one of the largest metropolitan areas in the country. He has a ridiculous sense of humor, I have a normal sense of humor.

He is the one who thought of taking dual pictures of himself driving and getting run over by a steam roller. I am the one who (though poorly) put them together.

Clearly we don’t think alike at all.

The Blue Dress

The Blue Dress

            Always carry the body out feet first. Then the dead can’t beckon the living to follow them to the grave. Elisabeth knew this tradition all too well. Her mother always told her that tradition told her how to mourn and superstition told her what would happen if we did not. Elisabeth had already watched two of her loved ones carried out those towering doors on their way to the grave. Now, with her third family member, second beloved child, to die all too young, she seemed to believe this superstition. People living in her home were all being beckoned to the grave far too early. The dead were knocking at the right door.

It had been three weeks since the accident. She was writing a letter to her sister discussing the new colors of this season and how she had admired them. She had been planning to make a few new dresses for her daughters to wear at their first dinner party of the summer. The colors, the blues, greens, and light pinks went perfectly with her daughters’ fair skin, which was so much different from her own, slightly tanned and worn. She thought about the possibility of bringing color back into her life. The seasons colors complimented her skin and dark hair better than the black and dark colors she had been wearing for far too long. She thought it might be time to start acting like her husband’s wife again, not his widow.

Elisabeth was finishing the letter when she heard the explosion, the glass shattering, and the scream of her middle daughter, Nora. She dropped everything and ran out to the hall, where she saw her daughter standing, in shock. Nora caught a glimpse of her reflection in her sister’s mirror. Nora stood frozen as she saw the fire eating away at her body. Elisabeth quickly grabbed the blanket off her bed and wrapped it around Nora, smothering out the flames.

The next three weeks were filled with late nights, well wishes, prayers and empty promises of recovery. The amount of letters the family received were only less numerous than the prayers said on Elisabeth’s kneeling bench and at her daughter’s bedside. Questions ran through her head, “Why didn’t I tell her about the broken spout on the light?” “Why didn’t I just follow tradition instead of thinking about summer colors?” “How could I have done this to my family?” Elisabeth’s old wounds of guilt had re opened.

Then the night came when Nora let go. Elisabeth hadn’t been there. She had been in town, speaking with the pastor about superstition and death. When she arrived home, the doctor told her the news. Elisabeth collapsed in the front hall. With the help of her oldest daughter, Hattie, she was moved to the sitting room, where she remained for hours in a tearful, but silent agony.

The doctor told her it had been dehydration that eventually killed her daughter. It had been a result of breathing in the flames and burning oil. She was burned internally, incurable. The lamp had exploded because the spout had a small hole and the oil slipped out. The flame caught the oil and caused the explosion of both the lamp and the oilcan. Nora had just returned home from boarding school. She didn’t know about the leak. She didn’t know that no one was supposed to use that spout.

There had been a three-day, constant vigil in the parlor. The coffin was placed in the center of the room with chairs placed around the walls, facing the body. Candles were lit all day and all night. Nora was never left alone. When Elisabeth or one of her daughters could not be praying over her, there was a maid or servant sent in to pray and tend to the needs of the dead. Most of the servants had been working for the family for years, so they took this opportunity to mourn Nora.

Now that the vigil was finished, the final goodbyes had taken place, and the private funeral had ended, it was time to move the body to its final resting place. Two of Nora’s uncles, the family butler, and a family friend, wearing their white gloves and white capes, carried her coffin through the doorway. They would take her down the front walk, and into the black hearse, draped in black crape. She would be taken through town to the family plot and make her place next to her brother, across from her father.

As Elisabeth followed the party out the doors, she remembered that all their troubles had begun with these doors. These doors were the reason why death had found their home. These doors were why superstition wandered their halls and ruined their lives. Elisabeth knew that she was the reason why this had happened. This was all her fault. She had been a young wife, grief stricken and careless. She did all she could to make sure that everything went perfectly and followed tradition. She had forgotten about the door.

Elisabeth caught a glimpse of the white ribbon tied to the doorbell as she left the house. A white ribbon means a child has died. Nora was only a child, in her young teens. This wasn’t the first white ribbon to be tied around the doorbell. An even younger child had died only two years earlier.

Isaac had always been a sick child. From the first few weeks of his life, he had a raging cough and a rampant fever. It always seemed that as soon as he was cured of one aliment it was only a week or so before he was plagued with another. Elisabeth had always tried to remember the times when he was healthy. It wasn’t until he was three that he was able to stay healthier longer. He was finally able to play like any normal boy.

His healthy days were filled with warm days outside, cold days in his room playing with his toys, and rainy days learning new tricks from the servants. Most afternoons were spent in the sitting room with the family, playing games with his father and the dog. Those were always good days, even if some of them ended in tears. Elisabeth had always thought how fortunate Isaac was to have been sick on the day his father died. He didn’t have to watch him suffer. He didn’t have to know what was going on. He had been so fortunately sick that he had missed the funeral. He had been left with only the good memories.

Once Isaac had returned to health after his father’s funeral, everything had changed. His father was gone, Elisabeth was a distant figure in black and his siblings had been grieving. He was still a happy boy. This only pushed Elisabeth further away in her grief, sadness, and guilt. She loved her son, but she couldn’t handle his questions and happy nature, so he stayed with the servant.

Three years later, on a warm early spring day, the family had decided to picnic on the lawn. Isaac had been healthy for three weeks, so he spent most of the afternoon running around the lawn after the dogs, while his sisters were entertaining some of their visiting friends with a few lawn games. Elisabeth sat in a chair watching the games because she was not able to participate while wearing mourning. She entertained herself in the sun, chaperoning the older children. Isaac’s running games were chaperoned by a servant. This proved to be a challenge because before the end of the first game of tennis, Isaac had managed to chase the dog into the pond. The servant had frantically fished him out unharmed, but in his soaked clothes, he had caught a cold.

This cold did not waste any time before it became severe. By dinner, Isaac was unconscious with fever. He was so bad that Elisabeth had to dismiss all the guests and call the doctor. The doctor said that if he did not burn off this fever by morning, he might not make it to the next afternoon. Elisabeth sat next to him all night wiping the sweat off his forehead, making him sip water, and praying that he would get better. All night she had a wrenching feeling in her stomach. She knew that this was all her fault. She knew that superstition had finally taken its first victim. Death had made his mark here by punishing her for breaking tradition. She thought to herself that she should have been paying better attention that day so many years ago. She thought that she should be the one that was dying for her mistake. Her prayers for her son weren’t answered. Isaac passed away a little before noon the next day.

After Isaac’s funeral, Elisabeth had hoped that she would never have to see the white ribbon on her door ever again. She had prayed and begged God that Isaac’s death was enough of a payment to Death to make up for her mistake in the past. However, as she passed the doorbell, following Nora’s coffin, a twinge of sadness pulled at her stomach as she remembered Isaac and his futile sacrifice for the family. Elisabeth had had enough, so in a very uncustomary fashion, she turned around and pulled the white ribbon off the doorbell. As she went back to her place in the precession, she wrapped the ribbon around her hand and touched it to her face. Her daughter, Mary, wrapped her arm around her.

Nora was placed in the hearse and the procession of carriages followed. As the carriage pulled away, Elisabeth looked at her home, once again covered in black and white crape, the public display of a family death. Elisabeth hated seeing her house decorated this way, it made the home feel empty, dark, and far too quiet, but the crape was customary. It was something she had to do according to tradition. The crape always reminded her of the summer her husband died. The day Elisabeth had cursed her family.

Elisabeth and Benjamin had met when she was living in Chicago. She had only been living there a few months because she moved around frequently with her father. Benjamin knew that he didn’t have much time to woo her, but he made sure that he would try his best. His best worked and they were engaged by time her father had to move to his next post two years later. They were married that summer.

Benjamin and Elisabeth Wright moved into their beautiful home in the northern Midwest after a wonderful honeymoon in Europe. They had their first daughter, Hattie, shortly after they moved in. Three years later, they had Nora. A year later Mary arrived. They lived a wonderful life of traveling, parties, and entertaining at their estate. Benjamin, as wealthy businessman, was able to work from his home office, so he would be able to spend as much time as he wanted with his family. All of his girls adored him for that.

Eight years after Mary was born, Elisabeth had Isaac. Benjamin loved his children and Elisabeth loved watching him with them. When Isaac was three years-old, after a seemingly normal rainy spring day, Benjamin had caught a fever and was forced to spend the rest of the day in bed. Elisabeth thought that he had gotten something from Isaac, who was also sick, or that he had gotten a cold from the weather, but soon Benjamin complained about a horrible pain on his left side, which was unusual for a cold. As soon as he began to vomit, Elisabeth called for the doctor.

The doctor did not know what was wrong with Benjamin, but gave him what pain medication he could, but it did not help. The Doctor told Elisabeth to inform him if anything changed with Benjamin’s condition. She asked the doctor if he could stay to help keep an eye on Benjamin, but the doctor did not think that his sickness was that extreme, possibly only a heavy fit of the flu. The doctor left. Elisabeth stayed close to Benjamin, whose condition only got worse. By midnight, he asked to see the children. Elisabeth knew that he did not think he was going to make it, but she did not want to admit it. As soon as he had finished seeing the kids, not even hinting to them about how bad he actually was, she sent them to bed and demanded that the doctor returned. However, the doctor couldn’t do anything to help. Benjamin had passed away the following day.

Elisabeth didn’t know how to handle this tragedy. Normally she would be assisted by family members, but due to the constant raining and storming, the roads were impossible for carriages to pass, so they were all stranded. Elisabeth had to put everything together on her own. She had to set up the vigil, set up the rooms, inform everyone of the death, and make sure that the house was decorated properly. Benjamin had been waked in the house, just as Isaac and Nora would be, but because of his status in the area, he would also have a public funeral and wake in the house. This was a close casket, as was tradition, but allowed everyone to say goodbye.

Finally, after a three-day vigil in his home, Benjamin was moved from the house for the last time. Because of the rain, his brothers and sister, who lived a day’s ride away, could not make it to help move Benjamin to the gravesite. They didn’t know if they would be able to make it to the funeral at all. This meant that Elisabeth had to ask Mr. Waters, the estate manager, Mr. Sanders, the gardener, Mr. Grant, the butler and one of other male servant to help move Benjamin to the Hearse.

Elisabeth made sure that they were dressed properly with black capes and black gloves. She made sure that they were careful that they didn’t knock down any candles or religions items as they left the room. She even made sure that the mirror in the front hall was covered so Benjamin’s spirit would not be trapped. But what Elisabeth hadn’t made sure of was that she could handle watching her husband carried out of their home. Once the men lifted the coffin, she realized that this was the last time he would ever be in this room. She realized that this was the last time he would ever be in this house. She broke down crying. Hattie, who had also begun to cry, tried to comfort her mother and helped her up as they followed the procession out to the hearse. As Hattie and Elisabeth turned the corner, out of the parlor into the front hall Elisabeth had looked at the door and gasped in horror.

Elisabeth was only superstitions about one topic, death. She always feared death. This fear is what kept her to her mourning traditions. This fear is what made her immobile when she realized that they had accidentally carried out Benjamin’s coffin headfirst. This fear is what convinced her that she had failed. She was convinced that her lack of following tradition had cursed her family. Death had arrived at her door calling out to the living to follow him.

The funeral and buried finished according to tradition. The house was draped in black for a month. Elisabeth was prepared to be draped in black for five years. She didn’t know if she was prepared to handle her curse.

When the carriages arrived at the cemetery for Nora’s burial, the family and close friends followed the coffin to the gravesite. The pastor said a few words and sprinkled the first pieces of dirt on the grave. The guests left and the family was supposed to follow. Elisabeth, however, didn’t want to leave just then. She felt that she had brought this on Nora. She felt that her curse was the reason for Nora’s accident. She knew that she couldn’t leave Nora yet. She owed her more than that. She owed her family more than that. She kept Hattie and Mary by her side looking at Nora, Isaac, and Benjamin’s graves. It was almost poetic.

“Our family is together.” She said quietly. “Please forgive me. Please, God, forgive me.”

Two years later, Elisabeth was in her dressing room with her seamstress. Hattie was being fitted for a new day dress for the season. The dress was a beautiful blush rose color that looked beautiful with her light brown hair and green eyes. Mary finished trying on her new light green dress. Elisabeth loved this time of year because she could see how happy her daughters were when they got their new dresses.

This was Hattie’s last summer at the house. She was getting married in October. Elisabeth knew that Hattie and her fiancé, John Matthews, would be happy in their new life. They were moving to the east coast where John had a position at his father’s law firm. Hattie moving so far away was difficult for Elisabeth, but it only made her last summer at home cherished.

Mary wanted to make this summer the best summer at the house. She wanted to plan parties and events. She wanted to fill the house with guests as often as possible. Elisabeth laughed knowing that Mary was hoping to find a John for herself. She knew that it wouldn’t be too long before Mary found a man that would make her as happy as John made her sister or as Benjamin had made Elisabeth. Then she would leave Elisabeth as well. Elisabeth would be alone, but that was a punishment she had come to accept.

Once Hattie was finished being fitted, the seamstress packed up the unfinished dresses, but instead of taking her things to leave, she pulled out a beautiful rich blue colored fabric. Elisabeth fell in love with the color as soon as she saw it. She picked it up. It was lightweight, and flowed. It was perfect for a summer dress, she thought. She held it up to herself in the mirror and admired how she looked with is wrapped around her.

“What dress is this for?” She asked.

“I think it is time for you to escape your dark wardrobe, Mrs. Wright.” Her seamstress replied.

Elisabeth smiled. She had been in mourning for seven years. According to tradition, she could remove her mourning wear. Although Elisabeth did not feel she deserved to end her public mourning, she knew not to break tradition. She would spend her summer in the perfect blue dress.

Hello! Punctuation.

Use the punctuation to make this word change in your head.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello!

Hello!!

HEllO!

Hello!?

Hello…

Hel,lo        (ok this one is not real but you get the picture)

Punctuation!!

 

I am in a boot!

I’m in a boot and

I was driving fast and

I really could use some cruise control man.

Driving under the influence is dangerous.

Driving in a boot is tricky and dangerous.

I pulled my Achilles tendon by constantly putting my foot into a driving position.

Now I am in a boot.

I will now pull a muscle in my other leg because I have to drive with my left foot.

Then I will be in a boot.

The boot circle of life.

A Love Letter from Your Table

Dearest Becca,

It has been more than a year since we have parted ways. You returned to your beloved Ohio and I was taken to Chicago, nearly halfway to you. In the past year, I have thought about the time that we spent together. The year, or so, I can’t remember exactly, we shared an apartment with our roommates, was a time I will never forget. You used me, in a good way of course. I sat along the wall holding that lamp. Well, you did use the lamp more than me, but the lamp and I worked through that issue before we parted ways. Ah those were the good times.

Since we separated, I have had a good life. I have been living in the Chicago area. It is different from La Crosse. My new owner is an interesting character. She can’t quite seem to figure out what she wants to use me for and she has removed my shelf to use as a glorified mouse pad for a strange computer game she plays consisting of blocks, mining, and something called “creepers.” I believe she calls it Minecraft. She also, occasionally, cleans me off and uses me for her computer. I find this humorous because she always has the intention of finishing some sort of writing, either a chapter in her book, editing her portfolio for her graduate school application, or writing a job cover letter. She never actually finishes anything.

One evening I found myself covered in scrubs, you know, the clothing. My new owner works at a blood bank. All those college skills aren’t really going to use. She, apparently, packs boxes for a “living.” She doesn’t like it, but it is hard to get a good job out there right now. She seems as optimistic as possible.

Enough about me. How have you been doing since the last I saw you? How is the family? Mother? Are you able to find a job? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in so long. I do occasionally see facebook posts from you, but there is never anything to suggest how you are doing post-graduation. Please do facebook back.

Till we speak again.

Formally,

Your Table.

Fantastic-al words and how to use them.

Profligateto corrupt  or degenerate

Some think that his profligate behavior lead to his ultimate demise, when, in reality, it was his love for cheese.

Hyperbole purposefully exaggeration, for effect

He claimed that this was the best thing to ever happen to the country, but everyone knew that it was a mere hyperbole because green ketchup was strange.

Erudite Scholarly, bookish, learned, Nerd

A collection of college professors and Comic con may both be considered erudite depending on which group is asked. The other simply claims the other is just nerdy.

Connoisseur- an expert with expert knowledge or a discriminating taste

Some may think she is a connoisseur of wine because of her good taste and recommendations, however she prefers the term wino.

Husband- to manage economically or to use sparingly

She was husband in her finances by not allowing her husband near them.

Eloquent- moving and persuasive especially in a verbal manner

Though his words were eloquent, no one really understood his point.

Diatribe- and abusive type of speech

Though his words sounded eloquent, their translations were diatribe.

Convoluted- intricate and complicated

She claims to have a convoluted set of emotions, but she is just having a bad day.

Dissonance- a harsh, disagreeable combination, especially in speech

There was an obvious dissonance in his speech and his wardrobe.

Ambiguous- uncertain or doubtful or can be interpreted in many ways

When asked about his choice in socks, he was ambiguous as to his reasoning.

Nuance- a subtle expression of meaning or quality

There was a subtle nuance about him after he showered.

My Life and Mayonnaise

As I stood outside the department store at ten o’clock at night in the cold and wind waiting for a ride from crazy Pam that may never come, I had realized that something had gone terribly wrong.

I had spent the last four years of my life dedicated to the idea that what I was doing would be the most beneficial to my success as a human being. This idea is planted into the heads of the youth much like the mechanical arms in a factory screw on the lids to mass produced mayonnaise. And much like mayonnaise itself, this idea seems like a good one, but then you realize that it is absolutely disgusting on its own. Only after you add the rest of the sandwich does the mayonnaise reach its potential, but more about that later.

The factory starts four years before the initiation. When a young thirteen year old steps into the high school guidance counselor’s office to create their schedule for the year. She shows the student a list of required subjects, English, biology, math, etc. When the student decides that she is going to take three biology classes to fulfill her science requirement, the counselor intercedes by claiming that it will be easier to get into college if she takes a chemistry class. So, the student takes the chemistry class, then barely passes, but the seed is planted. College. Every academic decision after this meeting is based on what is the most beneficial for this seed.

When the time finally comes four short years later to decide where the student would like to attend college, the decision is out of her hands. The process of elimination and rejection is all based around the decisions that she had made the past four years. The decisions she thought would help her seed grow. For instance, her almost failed chemistry class is keeping her from attending the best university in the state (she would have aced biology). Eventually, the final destination is chosen. Eventually, she accepts her fate. Eventually, she becomes excited. Eventually, she begins to believe that this experience will better her and lead her to the life she has always seen in the movies.

When she arrives, she is nervous, scared, unsure, but is eventually thrown into the deep end. She is engulfed and wonders everyday why she chose to do this to herself. After two years, she just keeps thinking that it is almost over. Only one more year until all the stress is gone; one more semester. Finally, it is all over and life can begin.

During those four years, her idea of college being the means to a better end grew into a wonderful plant of dreams, hopes, and plans. She had been told over and over that it would all be worth it. All she needed was to finish, receive her paper, and officially have those two simply letters behind her name. Those letters would get her a good job. Those letters were all that she needed. They could give her anything and everything (especially in a major such as English where you can get a job in anything.)

Mayonnaise. The paper, her letters, her degree is the mayonnaise. The process of college is the factory, beginning as ingredients in high school and being mixed and finished in college, all bottled up at graduation and topped with a lid. Now when she applies for her plethera jobs, she sends out her information, her jar of mayonnaise. Jobs receive this mayonnaise and realize how absolutely revolting it is all on its own. She soon realizes that they are looking for a whole sandwich. What the factory doesn’t tell the mayo is that the rest of the sandwich is found in experience, higher education, and a job; bread, lettuce, and lunchmeat.

I am a jar of mayo.

I am a jar of mayo working at a department store in a new state, two suburbs away from my house, working for minimum wage with more debt than most countries, car-less, friendless, helpless. I am a jar of mayo working in a mayo-less profession trying to become a sandwich. I am twenty-three, with a B.A. in English, enough talent to do any job as well as a professional, and enough determination to make it happen. If only the economy sandwiches hadn’t fallen on the floor and ruined all the mayonnaise.